I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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