i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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