You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
