when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
