I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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