I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
