I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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