i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
