Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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