Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
