Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
