my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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