girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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