Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
