we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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