Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
