After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
