I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
