I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
