so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My ATM looks so different sober.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
