No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
