they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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