When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
