to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
