Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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