I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Edward fifth and chaser hands
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
