Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
nutella sex= disaster
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
