i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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