ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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