Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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