Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
