she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
