Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
