I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
