If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
