About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
