There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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