47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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