I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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