the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
