you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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