you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
