her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
