He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
