Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
