I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
