Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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