We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
