I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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