If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
