Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
