yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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