do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
