A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
