You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
sarcasm needs its own font
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
