What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
