Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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