my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I wish I only lived at night.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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