$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
