he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize