Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
