I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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