if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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