A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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