oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize