Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
