living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize