someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
