dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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